Busy busy busy!

I've been thinking about what to write on here for awhile, and nothing has really been coming to mind. I did have my doctor appointment, and although she told me I could gain 2lbs, I lost 3lbs. So, that's good at least! I guess I need to keep being careful about what I eat so I can keep my weight in check for this pregnancy!

A friend shared this today, so I thought it was perfect to share on here!

A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:

"Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.
They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.
They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.

Mermaids do not exist.

But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?
They would have no sex life and could not bear children.
Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad.
And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?

Without a doubt, I'd rather be a whale.

At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.

We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn't enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.
We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.
Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: "How amazing am I ?! "

A Pregnant Fat Kid

Hi, I'm Kathy. Remember me? I haven't been on in a few months. 

My weight loss has been put on hold for now because I'm currently baking baby #2! We're due March 4th 2012, so I'm 15 weeks pregnant, and have already gained more than the doctor wants.

Boo.

So, I think it's time to start up my blogging efforts again to help myself keep in check. I'm following the doctors orders and eating a salad before my meals (except breakfast, that's just gross...) She told me she doesn't want me to gain more than 2lbs at my next visit which will be Sept. 29th. So, I'll be back at the gym walking and doing some light weight training on Monday. It would be really nice to get back to swimming too, but I flat out REFUSE to purchase a maternity swim suit, and you can't make me.

So, here's to gaining no more than 2lbs at my next doctors visit. Guess I'll have to keep away from all that pasta I've been loving and craving so far. BAH!

It's been awhile.

Well, I haven't kept up on posting about my progress.

I honestly don't know how much I weigh. I decided to stop weighing myself for awhile. I get discouraged if I don't see big changes. But, I've been going to the gym an average of 4 times a week. My friend Mary and I have taken up swimming. We've also started doing free weights instead of weight machines because it works the muscles differently and requires more balance which requires you to use more muscles to keep yourself balanced.

I'm feeling good and noticing some differences already. Last night my husband and I went to Fast Five in the theater. I was pleasantly surprised to sit down in the theater seat and discover that my butt fit just fine. It has been years since that happened. And even when we went to Hop with Piper it was a bit of a struggle.

So, I'm proud of myself for the progress I'm beginning to make. And I can't wait to see more results over the summer!!

Accountable 2.0

Starting Weight: 313 lbs

Pant size: 24

Bra size: 44DDD

What makes me fat? I love cookies, cake, and ice cream. Simple as that. I also have LOW self control. I use the excuse that I've been doing good, so I should be able to reward myself.....well I reward myself a lot more often than I do good..... So, this week I'll be working on my self-control.

(Inpsirational Women Feature) - Adele.

So often we see women in the media whose bodies will never realistically be attainable for us, especially if we are fat kids, a lot of the times our bodies are simply built differently than Victoria's Secret models. Even if we have that capability, would you really want to give up eating anything delicious for the rest of your life? I thought we should include a section on women of real size in the media, to hopefully diffuse our own stereotypes of what we have been conditioned to think of as beautiful.

This is Adele. If you haven't seen her amazingly beautiful face, I am sure you have heard her voice all over the internet with her singles, "Chasing Pavements" "Hometown Glory" or even my personal favourite, a cover of Bob Dylan's "To Make You Feel My Love" all are equally heartbreakingly soulful. At only 21, with two Grammy's under her belt and a voice that will remind you a bit of Ella Fitzgerald with the soul no white girl should have, she is sure to be one of your new go-to listens.

The best part is, this sweetheart is a fat kid. And she's gorgeous! If I could raid anyone's closet, it would easily be Adele's. I love everything I see her wearing, from her false eyelashes to her booties, this girl knows how to work her figure.



Her new album entitled "21" is available in stores now, and already has a single on the top 40's.

I recently discovered this gem, her cover of "Natural Woman" and it is now on my workout playlist!

You're beautiful Adele, thanks for inspiring us!

Accountable.

Kathy and I have decided to set a goal for our birthdays (which are a week apart!) to lose 40lbs by the seventh of August for Kathy's birthday and when I come to South Dakota to visit her.

We are going to do a weekly weigh-in on Friday's and post it, because embarrassment always is beneficial in losing weight. Saturdays will be our cheat days (I may change it to just one day a week, working like crazy as I am right now may prevent me from just having Saturdays, but still only one day a week!)

I am officially buying a scale today, I haven't owned one in years.

Another way to be held accountable is to really deal with our problems as to why we are overweight. Every week I want to think of something that makes me so overweight, and with getting to the bottom of these things, I hope to help motivate myself and learn how to overcome everything.

So here are my starting stats:

Weight: 265lbs
Pant Size: 24 (I just went up! :[)
Chest: 44DDD

Now let's talk about what I am coming to terms with this week.

I have realized I am a procrastinator to the max, I think "I will deal with my weight later" or "I will eat better tomorrow" and these things are exactly what this disease is about. I have an addiction to food. I may not eat ten thousand calories a day, but I am addicted to eating good, fattening food. I debate getting a salad, but then I see pasta and I go for it. I start thinking about pasta and my mind goes blank, unfortunately salad does not have this same effect. This is an addiction, and it is not healthy. I literally have to change my entire way of thinking about food. I have to realize that nothing I eat that is bad for me will make me feel better, it's quite the opposite. No amount of pizza and ice cream will make me happier about myself. It will make me feel worse about myself when I have to go up a pant size.

It's time to get real.

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?

I am quite addicted to the weightloss reality television shows out there, and this quote was mentioned to a patient at a weightloss clinic. I know I have heard it before, but it never really sank in until now.

To be honest, no matter how good that cupcake tastes, it is not healthy for me to eat them all of the time. It's not going to make me feel better in the long run. Working out, eating healthy foods and taking care of myself is what will be the most beneficial for my mind and body.

Of course you need to indulge yourself from time to time and enjoy life, but really instant gratification never pays off in the long run and rarely is the most healthy thing to do.

Mike and I had a conversation the other night while watching one of these shows and he asked, "Why are you so afraid to try it Heather, how many of these shows do you have to watch?"

And I didn't have an answer. Part of it is denial. I look at those people and think, "Well I'm not that bad" and look at myself differently. Part of it is laziness. Part of it is being stubborn and not wanting to change my life. Part of it is giving a finger to society for what is declared "beautiful" and loving myself the way I am. And lastly, and probably mostly, I worry I may die tomorrow and I don't want to miss eating that cupcake when I could have had it. Which leads to a giant Catch 22 in my life. I love myself the way I am, but I have to come to terms with the fact that this will kill me if I don't get this under control. I am obese. I am unhealthy. I am slowly killing myself with food.

It makes me bitter too, because watching these shows I see men and women consuming thousands upon thousands of calories and I never eat like that! Of course I have my pig out days, but I never eat five hamburgers from Wendy's. I never consume an entire pizza. I don't eat healthy at all and I don't work out aside from my job, but really? I weigh the same as some of these people? It just doesn't seem fair. And I need to get off that kick. My body is the way it is and it is the weight it is, regardless of how fair it is and regardless of how other people get to eat whatever they want and never gain weight. Unfortunately I am not one of those lucky jerks.

So here it is, I am getting better. I am taking control of my health. I want to join a yoga class and I want to eat better. No more soda, no more fast food and I am going to start working out regularly. No more empty promises. Here we go.

"It takes courage to grow up & become who you really are." - e.e. cummings.

A new day

I took my sweet little girl to the park today. She loved it! She had so much fun! 

The only thing that bums me out is that when she wants to go down the big slides, and wants me to go with her, I don't. I would, but I have this fear of getting stuck.....

So, now we're back to me really pushing it again to lose weight. I'm back at the gym, back on my diet. And hoping like crazy that I can really stick to it.

I hate goals. But I feel like since I liberated myself from goals I have gone down hill. So, here's my goal.

I'm going to lose at least 40lbs before my birthday on August 7th. Current weight is still 310 lbs. So that will take me down to 270 lbs, which is what I weighed at my wedding, 5 years ago.

I plan to go to the gym at least 4 times a week. I am going to do an hour of cardio a day and half hour of weight training. I am going to work hard, and sweat a lot. I'm going to cut pop out completely again, and drink mostly water. I'm going to eat more fruits and vegetables. I'm going to eat foods that are higher in fiber. And I'm going to work my butt off, literally.

Sticking to my diet and finding the motivation to go to the gym are the hardest things for me. I would rather eat a giant bowl of ice cream, and sit on my butt reading a book. But I need to do this, I want to do this. And above all that, I know I CAN do this!

I have about 120 days to lose 40lbs. I can do it!! Who's going to set a goal with me?

SEX!!!Y

Let's talk about feeling sexy.

Let's face it, fat is not sexy. And it's hard for big girls to feel sexy. You may have a man who loves you for you, he doesn't see your flaws, he sees your heart and soul and the wonderful woman he fell in love with. I know Heather and I are lucky enough to have men like that.

When we're constantly bombarded with Victoria Secret commercials filled with gorgeous models with perfect bodies it's hard to look at ourselves and think, "Hey, I'm sexy." Especially if you lack the self esteem to even look at yourself in a sexy way. 

Maybe you're like me and you own 3 or 4 pieces of sexy lingerie from various Valentines, anniversaries, and even your wedding night, but you're too shy/embarrassed to wear them. When I was skinnier I wore those for my husband, it made things feel less ordinary, like in a movie. But I've never seen any movies where the fat girl gets in skimpy lingerie....except Shallow Hal, and there's a real cinematic wonder.....

In order to feel more sexy you need to look at your positive qualities. Focus what you like about your body. Maybe you have nice legs, or you love the way your boobs look in a corset. If you find lingerie that accentuates the positive you'll instantly get a boost of self esteem. 

I feel sexiest when I actually do my make-up, shave my legs, and dress in something pretty. There are days that I don't even bother and those are the days that I feel the worst about myself.

How do YOU make yourself feel sexier? Or what keeps you from feeling sexy?

Jujubees on your Ooh Ooh Bees.

Really, I have simply been dying to use that Steven Tyler quote and couldn't resist it as a title, so please excuse it.

Let's talk about bewbs!

If you are like Kathy and I, you have huge ones. Which may be a wonderful thing to the men in our lives, but as far as our backs, our self confidence and our constant clumsiness of running into things with them, they can be a bit much.

Recently, I thought I would go the cheap route and just buy an $8.00 bra from Ross, when I found they surprisingly had my size. So. Stupid.

Dealing with this extra weight in our breasticles, it is essential that we have a good, decent bra. I recently got sized and discovered I had grown a cup size (while losing weight, really!?) and had been wearing the wrong size for who knows how long. I found an amazing deal online at LaneBryant.com for a $19.99 bra with free shipping to the store and I am in love. They also have a great buy one get one half off in stores right now if you would like to check it out.

Anyway, my confidence has gone out the roof with this simple change. Not only do I feel so much better, but I feel more womanly, more beautiful and more sexy.

Really this post is about the Steven Tyler quote and me feeling awesome about my boobs, but I just wanted to reiterate the importance (especially for us voluptuous vixens) of a good bra.

That is all.

Fat Girl Fashion.

I have been on the hunt for some new clothes as of lately. I am finally starting to accept my body the way it is, and if I never lose this weight, I will hopefully be okay with it. Don't get me wrong, I am still changing things all of the time to help lose weight and get healthier, but I am starting the long overdue process of loving myself. And it has been a process, because let's face it, when you are obese you mainly just want to throw on a sweatshirt, some baggy jeans and throw your hair up. No one wants to look at you anyway, right? WRONG! So I am trying to find different ways to look beautiful and feel confident NOW instead of when I lose the weight I want.

Regardless of your size darling, you are beautiful. No body is perfect and free of flaws, every single one of us is self conscious in our own right. Thanks media, thanks peer pressure, really appreciate it. We all need to realize that it is possible to be sexy, to look good and feel good about ourselves at ANY size.

I used to see girls in cute little outfits, I think I can't wear those outfits, feel bad about myself and then revert back to wanting to wear those baggy clothes. Through the help of some "fatshion" blogs online, I am realizing tons of new ways for us to look just as cute and sexy(!) in outfits that are similar, we just have to work a little harder at making our bodies look good.

One of these days, I will be confident enough to do an outfit post for you all, so you can get some more ideas and feel confident!

For example, I recently did a photoshoot with a good friend of mine who is just gorgeous and tiny. She wore short shorts with black tights underneath and a tank top. I was feeling bad about myself, because I thought I could never pull it off and then I found this photo last night.

Gorgeous! And almost the same exact outfit! I have not owned a pair of shorts in over four years, but now I am dedicated to finding a pair I can wear with some tights and look good.

Really, the key to looking good at any size is playing up your assets and downplaying your flaws. For example, I have some cellulicious thighs, therefore I have the option of wearing tights and BAM all of those flaws hidden! And I can still wear short things!



This are some other outfits. I love skirts, but am always terrified to wear them with anything other than baggy tops because of my arms, my legs, my hips, etc. I love how these girls worked it. I could easily mimick this with a skirt, tank top and cute cardigan (or open shirt) up top.

Belts are another one of my new best friends. High waisted belts are very in right now and make anyone's hips look great and hide all of those flaws.


Ah, the skinny jeans. I have wanted a pair of these for so long, or even some slim fitting pants, but I am always so terrified to even attempt to wear them. But with some thigh high boots, they instantly slim your legs and with a loose fitting long top, it looks great!

These are just a few ideas I a looking to incorporate into my wardrobe. Really there is nothing you cannot wear, you just have to learn to make clothes work for your body and work that confidence!

Some stores I have really found to be awesome:

Lane Bryant
We all have heard of this store, and it does tend to get expensive. However, they are the best for bras and have some great sales! I just picked up a pair of dress pants on sale for $6.99 that were originally $49.50! Really, it is all about the search with this store. They also provide free shipping to store locations, which is fantastic and I have utilized it already.

Torrid
Let's face it, I have been a punk rock kid from the get go. Kathy can tell you about my goth kid days in high school (but let's hope she doesn't) and this store let's me play up that factor of my personality while still having an adult look and feel.

DEB
This store I have not really experienced so much, but I often see some great prices and sales whenever I do go in and I find them located everywhere.

Rue 21
I am in love with this store, I just discovered it a few weeks ago and love all of the accessories and their plus size clothes are a great price!

Old Navy Plus
I can still get lucky sometimes and fit into the tops and bottoms in the XXL size, unfortunately they no longer sell their plus size clothing in stores. Check out their website, they have some great basic pieces at pretty good prices!

Target
Really their in store plus size selection is kind of pathetic, but online their selection is pretty decent. Again a great place to look for basics!

Maurices
My favourite! Unfortunately you cannot order online, but luckily these stores are everywhere and their jeans are my absolute favourite! I lack in the derriere department but have huge hips and these jeans even look great on me and for only $30.00, you can't beat it. They also have some cute tops and accessories, the quality is great as well and I have never had any problems with this store.

Ruche
This is an online based store that I really love to drool over. I have yet to order anything from their site because of the hefty price tag, but if nothing else, check them out for inspiration! They have some great plus size designs!

If you have any more suggestions, feel free to let us know! I will also definitely start posting more fat girl fashion inspiration for you all!

A fat girls mirror....

Raise your hand if you have low self esteem!

When I was in middle school and high school I thought I was huge. I wore baggy sweatshirts every day because I didn't want anyone to see how fat I was. I used to look in the mirror and think that if I looked like my skinny friends I would be so much happier.

What I didn't realize then is that self esteem isn't just an issue for girls who think they're fat. Even girls who we look at and think "My God she's gorgeous, and her body is perfect! No wonder guys like her!" probably have self esteem issues. Girls are bombarded with pictures and movies and tv shows that are filled with actresses that represent the ideal body type. While I applaud some shows for having a character here and there that is or was overweight at some point and therefore understands the struggles of accepting and loving yourself as you are, those shows are unfortunately few and far between.

Girls and women look at their 'role models' and inevitably find something in themselves that they deem "not good enough". We look at our favorite actresses and imagine what it would be like if only we were as perfect as them, if only our hair was cut like theirs, if only our skin was as flawless as theirs, if only we had that beautiful tan, if only we could wear that super low cut dress to the Oscars.

Well, the reality is, we can. You are hard pressed to find a woman who doesn't have some sort of self esteem or body image issues. Whether you have a perfect body, beautiful hair, and a pretty face, but can't stand the shape/size of your nose. Or you look in the mirror and think, "I'm beautiful, but I wish I wasn't so fat.". We've all been there. Many of us find ourselves there everyday.

Like I said, I used to look at myself and think I was huge. Now I look back and think, wow, in middle school I was a size 12/13 in juniors. In high school I was a size 15/16 in juniors. Now? I'm a size 22/24 in womens plus. The only comfort I find in that is that this is not the biggest I've been. And I'm hoping that with as far as I've come, I won't ever be this big again. 

But it's important to recognize that you're doing something for the right reasons. I am NOT trying to lose weight because I want to look like a picture in a magazine. I am NOT trying to lose weight because I don't like myself.

I want to lose weight because when I look at my little girl and think about the woman she'll become, I don't want her to have to go through the same struggles as I did. I want her to know that she can and should take care of her body. How can I teach her all these things if I don't do them myself? I want to lose weight because I think about how fun it is to take my daughter to the pool, or chase her in the park, or take her to an amusement park.

I want to lose weight because I want to feel sexy for my husband. I know he loves me just the way I am, but I want to feel comfortable enough to wear that sexy lingerie. I want to be healthy enough that we could live a long and happy life together.

But most of all, I want to lose weight because I know that it will make me a better me. I love myself. I think I'm fun, beautiful, and intelligent. I think I can do anything I put my mind to. I love my family, I love my friends, I love my life. When I look in the mirror now, I see a beautiful, confident woman who deserves the best.

I'm not going to pretend that I don't have self esteem issues, or that I don't want to change anything about myself, because that would be a lie. And I am who I am, if people don't like it, oh well. I just want people to feel inspired to embrace themselves for who they are and only make changes for the right reasons. If you try to change for anyone but you, it won't work.

The cycle....

I went to the gym today! By myself! I put Piper in the child care and headed right up to the track. I walked a mile in 25 minutes, and then went and did some weight training. I feel good about myself!

I'm getting back on track and giving myself a goal. I remember how good it felt to lose that first 25lbs, I remember looking in the mirror thinking, "Wow, I'm looking good." Well, I haven't gained anything back, but now I look in the mirror and think, "I've got a long way to go.". And it's so true. I don't want to give up, I want to lose more! So, I'm going to put a loose goal on myself since it's not looking like I'll make the goal of getting under 300lbs before my trip to Missouri. I haven't lost anything in a long time, so I know I need to get back on track for the gym and start eating better again.

Why does weight loss have to be so hard? Why does it have to be so hard to eat less, and eat better? After reading Heathers post it has me thinking about how ridiculously expensive it is to be healthy. Society complains that Americans are fatties, they find so many ways to make us feel like complete crap for not being the size of a super model. BUT They make it next to impossible for the average person to make a serious change and get healthy. Gym memberships can be very expensive and aren't always feasible for people. Fresh produce always seems to be more expensive than a box of Twinkies. It seems like in order to make healthy lifestyle choices you need to have money. The average American family cannot afford to make those choices because they just don't have the income. It's ridiculous.

Work-a-holic fat kids.

I recently joined the website sparkpeople to start tracking my calorie intake and exercise (or lack thereof) and it has been really beneficial. I recommend everyone who wants to know the root cause of their weight to go ahead and join. So onto my problem, apparently I will barely eat one day (i.e. 700 calories-ish) and then gorge myself the next day (i.e. 2,500 calories).

Mainly this kind of activity revolves around my work. I leave for work in the wee hours of the morning most days and I have a very rough time eating breakfast. I have discovered Fiber One caramel bars and they have helped tremendously, giving me just enough fuel to last through the day's shoot. I feel like I need the caffeine in the morning, so I hate to admit I am still drinking soda (mostly diet though!) and by the time the shoot is over I am so hungry and usually have a long drive home, where I of course turn to fast food. Fast food obviously screws you in the health department, because sure, you can get a salad, but you will pay $6 for it and it will be completely subpar. I would rather get a $2.99 combo and have a sandwich than an overpriced crappy salad.
I don't have the option really to stay after the shoot to use the teacher's lounge and heat up some food I bring, normally because I just want to get out of there and go home. Then when I get home, I am usually too tired to make an effort at cooking and I feel bad asking Mike to take on the responsibility every single day.

I also am going to be adding more time during the week to my work schedule by helping work at my Mike's dad's new restaurant, so I really will not have time to run home and make something decent. And I don't have the money to go out to a nice restaurant every day to get something healthy.

I have really been researching to find some no fuss foods that I can take with me, to avoid the dreaded fast food world and mostly it has been a trial and error process.

• Fresh produce has been a lifesaver. I have been trying to incorporate more fruits and veggies throughout my day. Carrots, cucumbers, zucchini, celery & apples have been my different lunch combination and have been working well to keep me energized enough until dinner.
  
• I am going to buy a blender soon and am going to start trying to make some smoothies the night before work and then will have a great breakfast to make it through the day.
  
• I get really sick of sandwiches, but they are a great "no fuss" food to bring along with you. Take a long soups are also great on the run and only require a quick microwaving and bam, food.
  
• And dinner is all about making it a head of time. When I cook, I want to start cooking in bulk. I have to get over my leftover phobia and start thinking about my health more. It's so easy just to go to the store and pick up fried chicken or go to Cici's, but it isn't the best for my health.

This is such a frustrating subject and I am struggling with staying on track.

I know....

So, I've been really down lately.

I have been looking for a job, and I'm not having any luck. Everything I apply for is either already filled when I turn in my application, or I'm over-qualified, or I don't have enough experience. I am so frustrated and feeling really unmotivated. I find myself snacking a lot more again, and not going to the gym like I want to/should. 

I feel like such a failure.

Every human being is unique, for better or worse.

“Everyone is born, but not everyone is born the same. Some will grow to be butchers, or bakers, or candlestick makers. Some will only be really good at making Jell-O salad. One way or another, though, every human being is unique, for better or for worse.” - Matilda

I was watching the show Ruby on TLC and her therapist was talking about how people whom are uncomfortable with their bodies tend to hide behind a mask of sweetness and humor. I didn't realize this until watching, but I have done that exactly. I have sugarcoated myself to the point where I am so afraid of saying anything negative or even anything not pleasant when meeting people. I call people "dear" and "honey" and never say things negatively to them. I am always pleasant, happy and perfectly content. I hardly ever disagree with anyone, if you like something, well then I do too. Everything is fine, fine, fine in my life.

Well, really it's not. I have dealt with a lot of bad things in my life and I need to start letting others in, and not just hiding behind that sweetness. I need to stop worrying what others think of me, worrying if they will call me fat or won't like me. I shouldn't care, and I didn't before I gained this weight, but now I really need to take a step back. I am scared to death to meet new people, because of my weight. It's stupid, right? It shouldn't matter. I can't help but want everyone to like me so I don't have to worry about being called fat. I have developed a complex in my twenties which is of grade school mentality. Which I never had until now, I might add.

So, I am officially done with sugarcoating, blending myself in everything so as not to break apart from everyone. I am done being on everyone's side. I am now on my own side. I will always live with my heart on my sleeve, but I no longer will hide behind a mask of sweetness. I am going to try to accept myself, and let me be myself.

I guess it all started with my marriage. At 19 I was thrown into a situation where I had to grow up so fast and be an instant adult. Suddenly I had a house, a husband, a life I was never sure I wanted and I remember crying on my living room floor one night because I didn't know if it was okay to hang up my New Found Glory posters on the wall anymore. So I tried to lose myself, I tried to assimilate myself into that perfect "military wife" persona, where my personal choices went out the window. I just wanted to fit in and find friends. I was never cut out for that life.

Cut to a year later and I was so unhappy with my marriage, I didn't even care anymore. I was so angry, so sad, I turned to food. I turned to food because I felt as if it was the only thing in the world which loved and accepted me the way I am. I gave food a persona it never deserved.

Enter a divorce, a horrible relationship and a thyroid problem and bam, I am 100lbs overweight. I moved to Georgia to try and be with my ex husband just one more time and things did not change. I didn't fit in with his friends, I wasn't confident at all, he didn't help things and then he broke up with me on Valentine's Day last year.

I was devastated, lost, broken, dead inside. I reached out for help and changed my life. I got my mental health under control and started to find my happiness again. That was exactly one year ago.

I have been doing quite well with everything, except for accepting myself and loving me for who I am. I am going to work on letting myself be who I am, without consequences. Wearing what I want, gauging my ears out again, and generally allowing myself the freedom I have deserved for the past five years. I am done being afraid. I am done saying no to parties and going out. I need to make more friends and stop being so afraid. I need to stop sugarcoating and hiding. I am ready to branch out and take myself for who I am.

I am ready to love myself, for the first time in years.

One thing a month.

I was recently watching Ruby on TLC, which is about a woman trying to lose weight and get in shape after weighing over 700lbs. She is a great inspiration and I love how real the show is.

Anyway, her therapist told her to change five things in her life, and once she had successfully done so, she would move onto another five and I loved the concept. I am going to switch things up a bit though and challenge everyone to change one thing every month.

This month, I am going to give up soda, except for in the mornings, that's probably next month. I am going to be drinking green tea and water instead. I have to have something sweet and green tea is a great alternative.

What will you do this month?

Kicking it up a notch!

Next week I am going to go the gym every morning, and do cardio. EXCEPT on Friday, I'm going to work on weights. I've decided it's time to stop being lazy and get my butt back to the gym on a regular basis!

I really need to push it too! I've been walking with one of my best friends, Madee. It's a plus getting the exercise, but I definitely need to get myself back into a schedule of really working it.

I still have to lose that 10lbs to get under 300lbs before going to Missouri mid-April. I know I can do it! 10lbs in about a month will be easy if I really focus on the cardio and burn off the calories. 

I'm getting over my sinus infection, so I'll hopefully have no reason to keep me from the gym this week! 

Anybody want to do it with me? I'm probably going to be alone since my gym-buddy likes to go to the classes and I'm not that into those, except Pilates.

So, here's my challenge to everyone, do an hour of cardio 4 days this week! You'll feel so good I promise! The hard work is way worth it!!!

Bullying.

I wanted to talk about something very serious going on in our schools today. I work in all levels of schools daily, all over the state and I have seen a growing trend of isolation among kids that are "different" and don't fit in. It is never anything outright or obvious when these kids are in front of adults, but when I take a look away from my camera I see these kids, broken and scared, terrified of what the next comment will be. And when they get in front of the camera, most of them are still those shy, scared to death kids. Especially the girls, the "different" ones (god forbid they break the mold) look at me with those wide eyes and it breaks my heart. I make sure to tell every one of those girls they are beautiful, and in my own small way, I hope it somehow helps them.

In high school, (and elementary/middle for me, Kathy moved to our school freshman year) I can't even think of more than two fights that happened in our school. We weren't the most popular kids at all, but we were never made fun of and I can't think of any kids that were directly made fun of, or tormented I should say. Is the midwest that different from other places in this country, or were we just very lucky?

I was speaking with a friend the other night about bullying and he told me how much he got picked on throughout his entire school career. It broke my heart to think about this. Let's just say he was "different" because of his body type and because of this he was tormented, teased and beat up until he joined sports, bulked up and could defend himself. Only then was he accepted, you know, after he stopped becoming a punching bag for those other idiot kids.

He grew up in the South, and because of this I am gunshy of raising my kids here. In the South, with rednecks who think anyone who isn't a jock, or hunts or speaks with a drawl is "different" and I see that in schools today. Is every school like that here? Or are there some gems which will be okay? I don't want my kids to be exposed to this or be a part in it.

I guess I was pretty naive about schools until recently.

So let's relate this back to this blog, being a fat kid. The girls I see in schools daily, don't usually have many friends. Whenever they come up to take their photos, the boys behind them are just silent (which is an awful sign by the way) and those brave beautiful girls either give me a huge smile or are so sheepish and terrified they barely can look at the camera.

It's an easy thing to say once you are an adult, how stupid it is to make fun of anyone for being "different" or for things they cannot control, but when you are a kid, well that's another story. Being in middle & high school brings out the worst in people, and unfortunately as adults, we cannot do anything to really stop this. However, when you encounter those girls, or those boys whom are awkward, a little fat, nose a little big, tell them how awesome they are every chance you get and maybe, just maybe, it will make the difference in some small way.

A fat kids dream...

I had a dream last night. In it I found myself at a friends house.

I sneaked into the kitchen, looked in the cupboard and found a whole hoard of hostess chocolate cupcakes, twinkies, funfetti cupcakes with rainbow ship frosting (my favorite), and Kit Kats....

In the dream I actually found myself stuffing my pockets with the snacks, and planning to pretend I'd never seen them when my friend asked me....

That's this fat kids dream....to happen upon a cupboard full of naughty foods and eat them. Hoping no one will find out.

Oh the shame....

Healthy(ish) Fried Chicken Alternative.

Cornflake Chicken.

This is a recipe we actually learned from Mike's mom. It is a really simple and quick way to make chicken that isn't so jam packed with calories like fried chicken (and I love me some fried chicken) but with the same satisfying crunch and I think and even better flavor.

What you will need:
1lb chicken breast
3 cups corn flakes
1 cup flour
2 eggs
1 stick lowfat vegetable spread/margarine
1tsp salt
2tsp pepper
1tsp paprika


Preheat your oven to 350degrees and grease a 9x13" baking pan. To begin, trim the fat off of your chicken breasts and do a simple butterfly cut to make the chicken very thin.


Next, take your corn flakes and put them in a plastic zipped bag. The brand of cornflakes really does not matter, these are of the 99cent brand from Kroger. Also, the best thing about this recipe, if your cornflakes go a little stale & you wouldn't eat them for breakfast, use them for this! You cannot taste the difference. After placing the cornflakes in a bag, take a mallet and crunch those babies up. Now, if you've had a rough day feel free to pound away on them with your fists, or ninja chop... which I may have done tonight.


They should be of this consistency when you are done.


Put your flour in one bowl, whip your eggs in another bowl and place your cornflakes in the next bowl. This is the order you will be making the chicken with so it is a lot simpler if you put your bowls together like so.


Dip your chicken in the flour, then the egg, then the cornflakes and line your baking pan with the chicken. And here's the fatty part. You do need to melt the lowfat vegetable spread and then pour it over the chicken. Bake for around 20minutes or until your chicken temperature registers 170degrees internally in the thickest piece.

And there you go, some yummy satisfying chicken without the massive calories like fried chicken. We tend to pair the chicken with broccoli and a simple veggie rice.

Eating your feelings....

Let's talk about depression. Something big happened to me about 4 months ago that pushed me over the edge emotionally. We'll call it, "The Event". It left me feeling empty, betrayed, and snacky.

When I'm not feeling good about life or when something depresses me, I want to gorge myself with ice cream and cake. I start feeling like there's no point in trying to take care of myself because I feel so low. 

The Event even landed me on anti-depressants. I feel much better now, but I still haven't moved past it. So I feel like crap every now and then because I think about the betrayal and the anger wells up in me. There hasn't been a day since The Event that I haven't thought about it, or imagined the things I'd like to say to the person/people involved in The Event.

But it doesn't help me. When I start thinking about it too much I notice myself eating way more than necessary. I notice myself not going to the gym, not being as active in general, and feeling very short tempered. I don't know what to do to let go of the pain. I've been praying about it, but it's really hard.

I think I can honestly say that I am no longer angry at the person(s) responsible for The Event. But I cannot say I've forgiven them. The Event was terrible, it nearly destroyed my life. It left me feeling like I couldn't trust people, and that I shouldn't help people anymore because they just end up causing drama somehow.

I don't even want to put any specifics on here for fear that the person(s) responsible for The Event will read this and start more drama. I'm not afraid of them, I just don't want this to somehow turn into a dramafest and end up with everything going south when I've been working so hard to move on.

I just want to move past it so I can stop feeling so hurt and stop letting myself overeat or make poor eating decisions because I'm so preoccupied with thoughts of this betrayal.

Fat Kid's Plight (eating out)

I've noticed one of my biggest downfalls, has to be going out to eat. I think this all started when I was married and broke, so whenever I was able to go out to eat (usually funded by my parents or my ex in laws) I would order whatever I wanted and just gorge myself because it was SO good. I can usually limit myself to a normal size portion when I eat out but other places, I just eat WAY too much or eat the wrong things.

It's hard to be health conscious when eating out, usually we associate it with a treat and if you are like me, I like to treat myself very well when given the chance.

After researching a few sites I have come up with some viable fat kid options, that won't leave you staring at your dinner party's plates in envy.

• If an option, when your food is delivered, immediately ask for half of it to be wrapped up in a to-go box. More than likely if you order a full entree, only half of it is the correct portion size. This way, you have a meal later on when you want to treat yourself and you don't have to feel guilty (or bloated) for treating yourself in moderation.
• This is a general rule for every day, but especially when you are planning to eat out make sure to eat smaller meals during the day so you are not starving when you get to the restaurant.
  
• As wonderful as buffets are, it's nearly impossible to resist getting five plates or more. I personally do not feel that I get my money's worth unless I am so miserably stuffed I can barely move when I walk out of the restaurant. Make sure to avoid these guys. Otherwise if you do go, load up on as much salad (nasty word!) as you can and only eat one plate of the good stuff.
• Chicken Alfredo is one of my favourite foods, so I really refuse to give it up. One thing you can do, if you like the heavy sauces like I do, is ask for it on the side. This way you can control the amount on your dish. I don't like a lot of sauce and this way I can still enjoy Alfredo without bombing my calorie count for the day.
• Instead of getting mayonnaise or dressing on a sandwich, ask for an avocado slice. These babies have a great Omega 3 content and are just as satisfying, if not better as the mayo.
• Don't ban yourself from eating what you want, because doing this will guarantee the end of your diet, it is possible to enjoy yourself and eat sensibly as well! And if you do mess it up, don't chastise yourself, just take it in stride and realize your mistakes.

A heartfelt farewell....

 

My Dearest Peanut Butter Panic Ice Cream,

 Lately I have been thinking about you a lot.

I have walked by you in the freezer section and considered 

opening the door and taking you in my arms back to my place.

But you have to understand that this relationship is doomed. 

It usually ends up being a one night stand, which isn't good for either of us.

You have gotten me through many a sad and happy day, 

but I think we're only using each other.

I take and take and you give and give, and when I discard you, you're empty.

But it doesn't end there for me, I have to carry around the extra weight of 

yet another meaningless encounter.

I can't promise that this goodbye is forever,

but I swear to you that if we do get together again,

you will spend more time in the freezer than you have in the past.

I will make your creamy chocolate peanut buttery goodness 

last more than one evening.

Please understand, this is for the best. 

We will meet again, but absence makes the heart grow fonder.

With my undying love and devotion,

Kathy

For Kathy,

I know you had a rough day yesterday and because you love collecting embarrassing photos of me to display around your house, I thought you would enjoy this photo I found circa seventh grade "makeover" time. Complete with blue eyeshadow and a fake Marilyn Monroe beauty mark of course.

Yeah, and check out the air mattress backdrop, I was destined to be a professional one day I tell you. And see that shirt? That's a Converse shirt, I was wearing Chucks way back then, some things never change, including the blue eye shadow.

Love you best friend, feel better!

You also have a surprise in the mail heading your way on Monday!

How I Feel Today......

I am stressed. My daughter is driving me up the wall. I want to eat and be naughty (food wise of course... ;) ). I have a headache, I'm a tad crabby, I'm tired, I have a sinus infection, and I want to curl up into the fetal position and cry.

So, my first instinct is to grab something very high in calories and stuff it in my face. But I wont.

Other than that I don't have much to say right now.....so, here's a picture that perfectly sums up my current feelings....

Dear Soda (a breakup letter)

Dear Sodapop,

Oh soda, you sweet temptress. For as long as I can remember you have been in

my life. From sipping the foam off of my dad's Coke Big Gulp in California

to having a case of soda by my bed when I was growing up, I hate to say it

but you are my worst frenemy. You know I love you, right? You know I love

everything about you, from the fizz to the sweetness, everything about you

makes me happy. You know I don't discriminate, whether you are cola or

orange, Coke or Pepsi, well I love you just the same.


But, you know, the thing is, I just don't think we are moving in the same

direction anymore. Seeing you five times a day just isn't the best for me

anymore, and I think we both know it's time for a change in my life. No,

don't you worry, it really is me, not you. I just seem to have lost myself

in this relationship, I rely to heavy on you for my morning wake ups, my

headache relief and I just think it's time we move on from each other.

You know I'll always love you, and maybe sometimes I will still visit you

from time to time when the mood strikes me, but we both know we can't

continue on like this anymore.

All my love,

Heather

An eye opener.

I wanted to take a minute to explain how it is that fat people become fat. After reading Kathy's post yesterday I had a conversation with the boyfriend Mike, a perpetual thin person about how we become the way we do. I am not talking about those who just need to lose ten pounds, because honey, I wish I was there with you but I'm not. I have to make a bigger change than you do that doesn't just involve going light on the snacks for a few weeks. I am talking about a life change here.

Being overweight is not something you set out to do. No one WANTS to look different, no one wants to have fat rolls on top of their jeans. We all want to feel beautiful and attractive, that is just human nature and pretty obvious.

First thing is first, most of us in the obese category have a food addiction, an eating disorder. The same way an alcoholic uses alcohol to escape from reality, to find comfort, to find solace, we do that with food. The difference is our harmful activity often shows way faster than your internal breakdown. Our fat thighs show our signs of our addiction, while your liver decaying inside shows yours. But guess who gets the most prejudice on a daily basis, just from the way we look? That's right, us fat kids. Now, let's get this straight, no addiction is good. Whether your drug of choice is crack or KFC, addiction is addiction and none of it is beneficial.

So psychologically, we become obese because of stress, loneliness, boredom or because of depression and anxiety. Really, our addiction stems from not having the best coping mechanisms. We turn to food to get away for awhile. If I have a bad day, I personally will say "eff it" and eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's. Yes, I am aware of how bad it is for my body, but at that moment I do not care, I just want to feel better. Also if I am bored and don't have a lot to do during the day, I think "Why not eat that bag of animal crackers?" and go for it.

We do however need to realize these actions never solve anything, and just like any other addiction, make us feel worse in the end.

You also have to take in account the physical ailments some of us have. I have bad knees, Kathy has a bad back, this should not stop us from getting back in shape of course, but it does make it ten times harder than for most people. We have to do what we can to positively change our lives and hopefully our pain will diminish along with our fat rolls in time. Some of us, like me, have a medical condition that causes me to gain weight. My thyroid hates me and radically changed my metabolism, of course that is not the only reason I gained weight (*ahem* donuts & pizza for breakfast!?), but it is of course a factor in it. Some people, like Kathy's family have a genetic disposition to gain weight.

So add together the mental & the physical cocktail and bam, fat kid. Not all of us just eat 4 double cheeseburgers per setting, some of us lead very active lifestyles. Just because we are not like you and gain five pounds every time we even nibble a cupcake, it doesn't mean you need to judge us for it.

Which brings me to my next point, fat acceptance.

There is a growing trend online about fat acceptance in society. The fashion world has already included more and more plus size models, and the internet is filling with fat acceptance blogs. This is a wonderful thing and a huge leap in the right direction. By no means do I want this to be a fat activism blog, I want this to be a health and happiness blog, whatever your size.

Kathy and I have both had the stigma placed on us that we are lazy, unattractive and less intelligent because of our weight. This is human nature, when you see someone heavier than you, you automatically think less of them in some way. Even if we don't mean to, we do it subconsciously. A big reason I wanted to write this blog was to help others understand and identify with what it's like to be overweight. I know we can never change the way you see others, but hopefully this will give you some insight to learn to accept everyone.

The simple matter is, people come in every shape and size. This does not change their intelligence, their beauty or their self worth. So really, give fat people a chance, we usually have the best snacks in our lunch boxes.

An inspirational rant.....

Ok, so the conversation that started this blog was about how we think it's sad that no matter how big you are you can't help but look at someone bigger and feel all avoidy. We've both been the victims of people being reluctant to get to know us because of our weight. And we know we're not alone.

A friend of mine sent me a message about this blog and it got me thinking. Unfortunately bigger people don't want to go to the gym because they're afraid of embarrassing themselves or they're afraid they won't be able to do the workout without looking like they're about ready to keel over dead. I know I was there when I joined the gym.

I'd look around see all the skinny girls and muscle men working out and looking good in their skin tight workout clothes. And I couldn't help but feel like I was being watched. I'd hop on the treadmill in my baggy pants and gigantic t-shirt and think about how in 2 minutes I was going to be out of breath and sweating like there's no tomorrow while the chick next to me would be jogging along confidently. The thing that kept me going was the thought that I NEED TO BE HERE.

It's unfortunate that the people who REALLY need to be at the gym to work their butts off and lose the weight are also the people who are least likely to go and stick to it. I REFUSE to be the fat chick who points my chubby fingers at those who took better care of their bodies and accuses them of making me feel like crap. They didn't stuff the ice cream, cup cakes, greasy pizza, donuts, and Mt. Dew in my mouth. I DID. And now I'm the one who's taking responsibility for my face-stuffing actions and trying to whip my butt into shape.

But, I know it's not easy to go to the gym. It's not easy to go to a restaurant and order just a salad and water. The REASON it's so hard is society has a pre-conceived notion about the overweight people they see every day. They see a fat person and think, "They don't take care of their body." or "Who's she kidding ordering just a salad?". Fat people are screwed either way, if we try to eat better someone thinks we're trying to put on airs, if we go to a buffet and fill four plates at each of our trips to the buffet line someone thinks we're pigs. (and they'd be right about that last part btw....)

I was at the doctor last week because I was having chest pains. I told the doctor (not my regular doctor) that I first experienced these pains while I was jogging on the treadmill. What do you think he said? If you guessed, "Was this your first time working out?" DING DING DING WHAT DO WE HAVE FOR EM JOHNNY? That doctor took a look at me and my weight and figured the fat kid tried to jump on the treadmill and go for a run without any previous exercise.....he's an idiot. And any overweight person who thinks they can start off running marathons should join him in the idiot parade.

I am not saying it's ok to be overweight and not take care of your body. It's not, I know that, and I think that about 90% of people who fall into the category of "morbidly obese" would agree. But just because I'm fat it doesn't mean you need to treat me differently, you don't need to look at me wondering why I'm in a store that sells clothes in sizes I couldn't hope to fit into without ripping them to shreds, and you don't need to make me feel like I couldn't possibly know what it's like to take care of my body.

I honestly think it's quite probable that over the last year I've  learned more about taking care of my body and getting into shape and how important it all is than those who have been blessed with a crazy high metabolism and can eat a horse without gaining an ounce.

Introductory post by Heather.

I'm not new to blogging at all, but this is my first joint effort at writing something! Kathy is my very best friend in the world, and has been with me through everything in my life from our teenage years until now. We have had so many good times and bad together and now we have to face the huge challenge of getting back into shape.

As far as the blog goes, both Kathy and I hope to add our personal stories, struggles, recipes, and humor in our attempt to accept and love ourselves and find happiness and contentment with our health.

Kathy has started already working out and doing a great job at getting healthy and I am just now jumping on the band wagon, as of, tomorrow actually. So tonight to celebrate my new journey, I ate like a true fat kid tonight with some fried chicken, potato chips & soda. I know, right? Freakin' awesome dinner! Too bad this will be the last dinner like this for a long time.

Anyway, I'm Heather and I'm twenty four (a week younger than Kathy!) and I work as a professional school photographer and do my own freelance photography as well on the side. I have an amazing mister in my life and we have been together almost a year now. We live in Virginia with our three kittymonsters and a little betta fish. I have a serious love for owls, Paul McCartney & band tshirts. I am at a really great place in my life and am so happy and fulfilled, now I just have to get my body to match up with the way I feel inside.

I haven't always been so heavy. In high school I averaged around 150 and was a size 12-14ish. I ate like crap, and throughout the years it has caught up with me. In 2008 I was diagnosed with an overactive thyroid and whether my weight was influenced by that, I am still unsure, but I gained about 50-60lbs during that year alone. Right now I weigh an awful 265lbs wearing a size 22-24, the heaviest by far I have ever been.

So, as my first day of my new anti-fat kid journey begins at 4:30am, I plan to go to the gym for the first time in years after my shoot tomorrow and am switching to diet soda. Baby steps people, baby steps.

Kathy's First Blog EVER

Well, this is literally, as the title suggests, my first time blogging. Since this will be a weight loss blog, I want to share my progress so far.

My name is Kathy. I am 24 years old. I have known Heather since freshman year, although she liked my sister more than me. *sigh*

We actually became friends in our junior year, we had practically every class together, so she had no choice but to fall madly in love with my witty and cynical personage. We've been inseparable ever since. We've been there for each other through thick and thin. Unfortunately the thin days are a behind us....perhaps my massive butt devoured my thin self.

Anyway.....I'm married to the man I've been with since February 2003, I love him more every day. I have a beautiful daughter named Piper, and 3 kitties named Jersey, Riley, and Criquette. All 4 of our children are naughty.

I was 220 lbs in high school. I thought I was so fat. I always wore sweatshirts and baggy t-shirts to cover up my fatness. After high school I gained about 50 lbs between graduation in May 2004 and my wedding day in Sept 2006. Then between my wedding day and the day I found out I was pregnant in March 2008 I gained another 65 lbs. THEN between the day I found out I was 8 wks pregnant to the day I delivered my adorable daughter in November 2008 I gained 40lbs.

So, the day I delivered my daughter I weighed 372 lbs. Since that day I have lost 62 lbs. I now weigh 310 lbs. 

I work out an average of 4 days a week at the Watertown Rec Center. I do Pilates, cardio on the treadmill/bike, and some weight training. My current goal is to lose 15 lbs before we go down to visit my parents/grand parents on April 12th in Missouri. It will be the first time I've been under 300 lbs in over 2 yrs.

I can do it!!!