Every human being is unique, for better or worse.

“Everyone is born, but not everyone is born the same. Some will grow to be butchers, or bakers, or candlestick makers. Some will only be really good at making Jell-O salad. One way or another, though, every human being is unique, for better or for worse.” - Matilda

I was watching the show Ruby on TLC and her therapist was talking about how people whom are uncomfortable with their bodies tend to hide behind a mask of sweetness and humor. I didn't realize this until watching, but I have done that exactly. I have sugarcoated myself to the point where I am so afraid of saying anything negative or even anything not pleasant when meeting people. I call people "dear" and "honey" and never say things negatively to them. I am always pleasant, happy and perfectly content. I hardly ever disagree with anyone, if you like something, well then I do too. Everything is fine, fine, fine in my life.

Well, really it's not. I have dealt with a lot of bad things in my life and I need to start letting others in, and not just hiding behind that sweetness. I need to stop worrying what others think of me, worrying if they will call me fat or won't like me. I shouldn't care, and I didn't before I gained this weight, but now I really need to take a step back. I am scared to death to meet new people, because of my weight. It's stupid, right? It shouldn't matter. I can't help but want everyone to like me so I don't have to worry about being called fat. I have developed a complex in my twenties which is of grade school mentality. Which I never had until now, I might add.

So, I am officially done with sugarcoating, blending myself in everything so as not to break apart from everyone. I am done being on everyone's side. I am now on my own side. I will always live with my heart on my sleeve, but I no longer will hide behind a mask of sweetness. I am going to try to accept myself, and let me be myself.

I guess it all started with my marriage. At 19 I was thrown into a situation where I had to grow up so fast and be an instant adult. Suddenly I had a house, a husband, a life I was never sure I wanted and I remember crying on my living room floor one night because I didn't know if it was okay to hang up my New Found Glory posters on the wall anymore. So I tried to lose myself, I tried to assimilate myself into that perfect "military wife" persona, where my personal choices went out the window. I just wanted to fit in and find friends. I was never cut out for that life.

Cut to a year later and I was so unhappy with my marriage, I didn't even care anymore. I was so angry, so sad, I turned to food. I turned to food because I felt as if it was the only thing in the world which loved and accepted me the way I am. I gave food a persona it never deserved.

Enter a divorce, a horrible relationship and a thyroid problem and bam, I am 100lbs overweight. I moved to Georgia to try and be with my ex husband just one more time and things did not change. I didn't fit in with his friends, I wasn't confident at all, he didn't help things and then he broke up with me on Valentine's Day last year.

I was devastated, lost, broken, dead inside. I reached out for help and changed my life. I got my mental health under control and started to find my happiness again. That was exactly one year ago.

I have been doing quite well with everything, except for accepting myself and loving me for who I am. I am going to work on letting myself be who I am, without consequences. Wearing what I want, gauging my ears out again, and generally allowing myself the freedom I have deserved for the past five years. I am done being afraid. I am done saying no to parties and going out. I need to make more friends and stop being so afraid. I need to stop sugarcoating and hiding. I am ready to branch out and take myself for who I am.

I am ready to love myself, for the first time in years.