SEX!!!Y

Let's talk about feeling sexy.

Let's face it, fat is not sexy. And it's hard for big girls to feel sexy. You may have a man who loves you for you, he doesn't see your flaws, he sees your heart and soul and the wonderful woman he fell in love with. I know Heather and I are lucky enough to have men like that.

When we're constantly bombarded with Victoria Secret commercials filled with gorgeous models with perfect bodies it's hard to look at ourselves and think, "Hey, I'm sexy." Especially if you lack the self esteem to even look at yourself in a sexy way. 

Maybe you're like me and you own 3 or 4 pieces of sexy lingerie from various Valentines, anniversaries, and even your wedding night, but you're too shy/embarrassed to wear them. When I was skinnier I wore those for my husband, it made things feel less ordinary, like in a movie. But I've never seen any movies where the fat girl gets in skimpy lingerie....except Shallow Hal, and there's a real cinematic wonder.....

In order to feel more sexy you need to look at your positive qualities. Focus what you like about your body. Maybe you have nice legs, or you love the way your boobs look in a corset. If you find lingerie that accentuates the positive you'll instantly get a boost of self esteem. 

I feel sexiest when I actually do my make-up, shave my legs, and dress in something pretty. There are days that I don't even bother and those are the days that I feel the worst about myself.

How do YOU make yourself feel sexier? Or what keeps you from feeling sexy?

Jujubees on your Ooh Ooh Bees.

Really, I have simply been dying to use that Steven Tyler quote and couldn't resist it as a title, so please excuse it.

Let's talk about bewbs!

If you are like Kathy and I, you have huge ones. Which may be a wonderful thing to the men in our lives, but as far as our backs, our self confidence and our constant clumsiness of running into things with them, they can be a bit much.

Recently, I thought I would go the cheap route and just buy an $8.00 bra from Ross, when I found they surprisingly had my size. So. Stupid.

Dealing with this extra weight in our breasticles, it is essential that we have a good, decent bra. I recently got sized and discovered I had grown a cup size (while losing weight, really!?) and had been wearing the wrong size for who knows how long. I found an amazing deal online at LaneBryant.com for a $19.99 bra with free shipping to the store and I am in love. They also have a great buy one get one half off in stores right now if you would like to check it out.

Anyway, my confidence has gone out the roof with this simple change. Not only do I feel so much better, but I feel more womanly, more beautiful and more sexy.

Really this post is about the Steven Tyler quote and me feeling awesome about my boobs, but I just wanted to reiterate the importance (especially for us voluptuous vixens) of a good bra.

That is all.

Fat Girl Fashion.

I have been on the hunt for some new clothes as of lately. I am finally starting to accept my body the way it is, and if I never lose this weight, I will hopefully be okay with it. Don't get me wrong, I am still changing things all of the time to help lose weight and get healthier, but I am starting the long overdue process of loving myself. And it has been a process, because let's face it, when you are obese you mainly just want to throw on a sweatshirt, some baggy jeans and throw your hair up. No one wants to look at you anyway, right? WRONG! So I am trying to find different ways to look beautiful and feel confident NOW instead of when I lose the weight I want.

Regardless of your size darling, you are beautiful. No body is perfect and free of flaws, every single one of us is self conscious in our own right. Thanks media, thanks peer pressure, really appreciate it. We all need to realize that it is possible to be sexy, to look good and feel good about ourselves at ANY size.

I used to see girls in cute little outfits, I think I can't wear those outfits, feel bad about myself and then revert back to wanting to wear those baggy clothes. Through the help of some "fatshion" blogs online, I am realizing tons of new ways for us to look just as cute and sexy(!) in outfits that are similar, we just have to work a little harder at making our bodies look good.

One of these days, I will be confident enough to do an outfit post for you all, so you can get some more ideas and feel confident!

For example, I recently did a photoshoot with a good friend of mine who is just gorgeous and tiny. She wore short shorts with black tights underneath and a tank top. I was feeling bad about myself, because I thought I could never pull it off and then I found this photo last night.

Gorgeous! And almost the same exact outfit! I have not owned a pair of shorts in over four years, but now I am dedicated to finding a pair I can wear with some tights and look good.

Really, the key to looking good at any size is playing up your assets and downplaying your flaws. For example, I have some cellulicious thighs, therefore I have the option of wearing tights and BAM all of those flaws hidden! And I can still wear short things!



This are some other outfits. I love skirts, but am always terrified to wear them with anything other than baggy tops because of my arms, my legs, my hips, etc. I love how these girls worked it. I could easily mimick this with a skirt, tank top and cute cardigan (or open shirt) up top.

Belts are another one of my new best friends. High waisted belts are very in right now and make anyone's hips look great and hide all of those flaws.


Ah, the skinny jeans. I have wanted a pair of these for so long, or even some slim fitting pants, but I am always so terrified to even attempt to wear them. But with some thigh high boots, they instantly slim your legs and with a loose fitting long top, it looks great!

These are just a few ideas I a looking to incorporate into my wardrobe. Really there is nothing you cannot wear, you just have to learn to make clothes work for your body and work that confidence!

Some stores I have really found to be awesome:

Lane Bryant
We all have heard of this store, and it does tend to get expensive. However, they are the best for bras and have some great sales! I just picked up a pair of dress pants on sale for $6.99 that were originally $49.50! Really, it is all about the search with this store. They also provide free shipping to store locations, which is fantastic and I have utilized it already.

Torrid
Let's face it, I have been a punk rock kid from the get go. Kathy can tell you about my goth kid days in high school (but let's hope she doesn't) and this store let's me play up that factor of my personality while still having an adult look and feel.

DEB
This store I have not really experienced so much, but I often see some great prices and sales whenever I do go in and I find them located everywhere.

Rue 21
I am in love with this store, I just discovered it a few weeks ago and love all of the accessories and their plus size clothes are a great price!

Old Navy Plus
I can still get lucky sometimes and fit into the tops and bottoms in the XXL size, unfortunately they no longer sell their plus size clothing in stores. Check out their website, they have some great basic pieces at pretty good prices!

Target
Really their in store plus size selection is kind of pathetic, but online their selection is pretty decent. Again a great place to look for basics!

Maurices
My favourite! Unfortunately you cannot order online, but luckily these stores are everywhere and their jeans are my absolute favourite! I lack in the derriere department but have huge hips and these jeans even look great on me and for only $30.00, you can't beat it. They also have some cute tops and accessories, the quality is great as well and I have never had any problems with this store.

Ruche
This is an online based store that I really love to drool over. I have yet to order anything from their site because of the hefty price tag, but if nothing else, check them out for inspiration! They have some great plus size designs!

If you have any more suggestions, feel free to let us know! I will also definitely start posting more fat girl fashion inspiration for you all!

A fat girls mirror....

Raise your hand if you have low self esteem!

When I was in middle school and high school I thought I was huge. I wore baggy sweatshirts every day because I didn't want anyone to see how fat I was. I used to look in the mirror and think that if I looked like my skinny friends I would be so much happier.

What I didn't realize then is that self esteem isn't just an issue for girls who think they're fat. Even girls who we look at and think "My God she's gorgeous, and her body is perfect! No wonder guys like her!" probably have self esteem issues. Girls are bombarded with pictures and movies and tv shows that are filled with actresses that represent the ideal body type. While I applaud some shows for having a character here and there that is or was overweight at some point and therefore understands the struggles of accepting and loving yourself as you are, those shows are unfortunately few and far between.

Girls and women look at their 'role models' and inevitably find something in themselves that they deem "not good enough". We look at our favorite actresses and imagine what it would be like if only we were as perfect as them, if only our hair was cut like theirs, if only our skin was as flawless as theirs, if only we had that beautiful tan, if only we could wear that super low cut dress to the Oscars.

Well, the reality is, we can. You are hard pressed to find a woman who doesn't have some sort of self esteem or body image issues. Whether you have a perfect body, beautiful hair, and a pretty face, but can't stand the shape/size of your nose. Or you look in the mirror and think, "I'm beautiful, but I wish I wasn't so fat.". We've all been there. Many of us find ourselves there everyday.

Like I said, I used to look at myself and think I was huge. Now I look back and think, wow, in middle school I was a size 12/13 in juniors. In high school I was a size 15/16 in juniors. Now? I'm a size 22/24 in womens plus. The only comfort I find in that is that this is not the biggest I've been. And I'm hoping that with as far as I've come, I won't ever be this big again. 

But it's important to recognize that you're doing something for the right reasons. I am NOT trying to lose weight because I want to look like a picture in a magazine. I am NOT trying to lose weight because I don't like myself.

I want to lose weight because when I look at my little girl and think about the woman she'll become, I don't want her to have to go through the same struggles as I did. I want her to know that she can and should take care of her body. How can I teach her all these things if I don't do them myself? I want to lose weight because I think about how fun it is to take my daughter to the pool, or chase her in the park, or take her to an amusement park.

I want to lose weight because I want to feel sexy for my husband. I know he loves me just the way I am, but I want to feel comfortable enough to wear that sexy lingerie. I want to be healthy enough that we could live a long and happy life together.

But most of all, I want to lose weight because I know that it will make me a better me. I love myself. I think I'm fun, beautiful, and intelligent. I think I can do anything I put my mind to. I love my family, I love my friends, I love my life. When I look in the mirror now, I see a beautiful, confident woman who deserves the best.

I'm not going to pretend that I don't have self esteem issues, or that I don't want to change anything about myself, because that would be a lie. And I am who I am, if people don't like it, oh well. I just want people to feel inspired to embrace themselves for who they are and only make changes for the right reasons. If you try to change for anyone but you, it won't work.

The cycle....

I went to the gym today! By myself! I put Piper in the child care and headed right up to the track. I walked a mile in 25 minutes, and then went and did some weight training. I feel good about myself!

I'm getting back on track and giving myself a goal. I remember how good it felt to lose that first 25lbs, I remember looking in the mirror thinking, "Wow, I'm looking good." Well, I haven't gained anything back, but now I look in the mirror and think, "I've got a long way to go.". And it's so true. I don't want to give up, I want to lose more! So, I'm going to put a loose goal on myself since it's not looking like I'll make the goal of getting under 300lbs before my trip to Missouri. I haven't lost anything in a long time, so I know I need to get back on track for the gym and start eating better again.

Why does weight loss have to be so hard? Why does it have to be so hard to eat less, and eat better? After reading Heathers post it has me thinking about how ridiculously expensive it is to be healthy. Society complains that Americans are fatties, they find so many ways to make us feel like complete crap for not being the size of a super model. BUT They make it next to impossible for the average person to make a serious change and get healthy. Gym memberships can be very expensive and aren't always feasible for people. Fresh produce always seems to be more expensive than a box of Twinkies. It seems like in order to make healthy lifestyle choices you need to have money. The average American family cannot afford to make those choices because they just don't have the income. It's ridiculous.

Work-a-holic fat kids.

I recently joined the website sparkpeople to start tracking my calorie intake and exercise (or lack thereof) and it has been really beneficial. I recommend everyone who wants to know the root cause of their weight to go ahead and join. So onto my problem, apparently I will barely eat one day (i.e. 700 calories-ish) and then gorge myself the next day (i.e. 2,500 calories).

Mainly this kind of activity revolves around my work. I leave for work in the wee hours of the morning most days and I have a very rough time eating breakfast. I have discovered Fiber One caramel bars and they have helped tremendously, giving me just enough fuel to last through the day's shoot. I feel like I need the caffeine in the morning, so I hate to admit I am still drinking soda (mostly diet though!) and by the time the shoot is over I am so hungry and usually have a long drive home, where I of course turn to fast food. Fast food obviously screws you in the health department, because sure, you can get a salad, but you will pay $6 for it and it will be completely subpar. I would rather get a $2.99 combo and have a sandwich than an overpriced crappy salad.
I don't have the option really to stay after the shoot to use the teacher's lounge and heat up some food I bring, normally because I just want to get out of there and go home. Then when I get home, I am usually too tired to make an effort at cooking and I feel bad asking Mike to take on the responsibility every single day.

I also am going to be adding more time during the week to my work schedule by helping work at my Mike's dad's new restaurant, so I really will not have time to run home and make something decent. And I don't have the money to go out to a nice restaurant every day to get something healthy.

I have really been researching to find some no fuss foods that I can take with me, to avoid the dreaded fast food world and mostly it has been a trial and error process.

• Fresh produce has been a lifesaver. I have been trying to incorporate more fruits and veggies throughout my day. Carrots, cucumbers, zucchini, celery & apples have been my different lunch combination and have been working well to keep me energized enough until dinner.
  
• I am going to buy a blender soon and am going to start trying to make some smoothies the night before work and then will have a great breakfast to make it through the day.
  
• I get really sick of sandwiches, but they are a great "no fuss" food to bring along with you. Take a long soups are also great on the run and only require a quick microwaving and bam, food.
  
• And dinner is all about making it a head of time. When I cook, I want to start cooking in bulk. I have to get over my leftover phobia and start thinking about my health more. It's so easy just to go to the store and pick up fried chicken or go to Cici's, but it isn't the best for my health.

This is such a frustrating subject and I am struggling with staying on track.

I know....

So, I've been really down lately.

I have been looking for a job, and I'm not having any luck. Everything I apply for is either already filled when I turn in my application, or I'm over-qualified, or I don't have enough experience. I am so frustrated and feeling really unmotivated. I find myself snacking a lot more again, and not going to the gym like I want to/should. 

I feel like such a failure.

Every human being is unique, for better or worse.

“Everyone is born, but not everyone is born the same. Some will grow to be butchers, or bakers, or candlestick makers. Some will only be really good at making Jell-O salad. One way or another, though, every human being is unique, for better or for worse.” - Matilda

I was watching the show Ruby on TLC and her therapist was talking about how people whom are uncomfortable with their bodies tend to hide behind a mask of sweetness and humor. I didn't realize this until watching, but I have done that exactly. I have sugarcoated myself to the point where I am so afraid of saying anything negative or even anything not pleasant when meeting people. I call people "dear" and "honey" and never say things negatively to them. I am always pleasant, happy and perfectly content. I hardly ever disagree with anyone, if you like something, well then I do too. Everything is fine, fine, fine in my life.

Well, really it's not. I have dealt with a lot of bad things in my life and I need to start letting others in, and not just hiding behind that sweetness. I need to stop worrying what others think of me, worrying if they will call me fat or won't like me. I shouldn't care, and I didn't before I gained this weight, but now I really need to take a step back. I am scared to death to meet new people, because of my weight. It's stupid, right? It shouldn't matter. I can't help but want everyone to like me so I don't have to worry about being called fat. I have developed a complex in my twenties which is of grade school mentality. Which I never had until now, I might add.

So, I am officially done with sugarcoating, blending myself in everything so as not to break apart from everyone. I am done being on everyone's side. I am now on my own side. I will always live with my heart on my sleeve, but I no longer will hide behind a mask of sweetness. I am going to try to accept myself, and let me be myself.

I guess it all started with my marriage. At 19 I was thrown into a situation where I had to grow up so fast and be an instant adult. Suddenly I had a house, a husband, a life I was never sure I wanted and I remember crying on my living room floor one night because I didn't know if it was okay to hang up my New Found Glory posters on the wall anymore. So I tried to lose myself, I tried to assimilate myself into that perfect "military wife" persona, where my personal choices went out the window. I just wanted to fit in and find friends. I was never cut out for that life.

Cut to a year later and I was so unhappy with my marriage, I didn't even care anymore. I was so angry, so sad, I turned to food. I turned to food because I felt as if it was the only thing in the world which loved and accepted me the way I am. I gave food a persona it never deserved.

Enter a divorce, a horrible relationship and a thyroid problem and bam, I am 100lbs overweight. I moved to Georgia to try and be with my ex husband just one more time and things did not change. I didn't fit in with his friends, I wasn't confident at all, he didn't help things and then he broke up with me on Valentine's Day last year.

I was devastated, lost, broken, dead inside. I reached out for help and changed my life. I got my mental health under control and started to find my happiness again. That was exactly one year ago.

I have been doing quite well with everything, except for accepting myself and loving me for who I am. I am going to work on letting myself be who I am, without consequences. Wearing what I want, gauging my ears out again, and generally allowing myself the freedom I have deserved for the past five years. I am done being afraid. I am done saying no to parties and going out. I need to make more friends and stop being so afraid. I need to stop sugarcoating and hiding. I am ready to branch out and take myself for who I am.

I am ready to love myself, for the first time in years.

One thing a month.

I was recently watching Ruby on TLC, which is about a woman trying to lose weight and get in shape after weighing over 700lbs. She is a great inspiration and I love how real the show is.

Anyway, her therapist told her to change five things in her life, and once she had successfully done so, she would move onto another five and I loved the concept. I am going to switch things up a bit though and challenge everyone to change one thing every month.

This month, I am going to give up soda, except for in the mornings, that's probably next month. I am going to be drinking green tea and water instead. I have to have something sweet and green tea is a great alternative.

What will you do this month?

Kicking it up a notch!

Next week I am going to go the gym every morning, and do cardio. EXCEPT on Friday, I'm going to work on weights. I've decided it's time to stop being lazy and get my butt back to the gym on a regular basis!

I really need to push it too! I've been walking with one of my best friends, Madee. It's a plus getting the exercise, but I definitely need to get myself back into a schedule of really working it.

I still have to lose that 10lbs to get under 300lbs before going to Missouri mid-April. I know I can do it! 10lbs in about a month will be easy if I really focus on the cardio and burn off the calories. 

I'm getting over my sinus infection, so I'll hopefully have no reason to keep me from the gym this week! 

Anybody want to do it with me? I'm probably going to be alone since my gym-buddy likes to go to the classes and I'm not that into those, except Pilates.

So, here's my challenge to everyone, do an hour of cardio 4 days this week! You'll feel so good I promise! The hard work is way worth it!!!

Bullying.

I wanted to talk about something very serious going on in our schools today. I work in all levels of schools daily, all over the state and I have seen a growing trend of isolation among kids that are "different" and don't fit in. It is never anything outright or obvious when these kids are in front of adults, but when I take a look away from my camera I see these kids, broken and scared, terrified of what the next comment will be. And when they get in front of the camera, most of them are still those shy, scared to death kids. Especially the girls, the "different" ones (god forbid they break the mold) look at me with those wide eyes and it breaks my heart. I make sure to tell every one of those girls they are beautiful, and in my own small way, I hope it somehow helps them.

In high school, (and elementary/middle for me, Kathy moved to our school freshman year) I can't even think of more than two fights that happened in our school. We weren't the most popular kids at all, but we were never made fun of and I can't think of any kids that were directly made fun of, or tormented I should say. Is the midwest that different from other places in this country, or were we just very lucky?

I was speaking with a friend the other night about bullying and he told me how much he got picked on throughout his entire school career. It broke my heart to think about this. Let's just say he was "different" because of his body type and because of this he was tormented, teased and beat up until he joined sports, bulked up and could defend himself. Only then was he accepted, you know, after he stopped becoming a punching bag for those other idiot kids.

He grew up in the South, and because of this I am gunshy of raising my kids here. In the South, with rednecks who think anyone who isn't a jock, or hunts or speaks with a drawl is "different" and I see that in schools today. Is every school like that here? Or are there some gems which will be okay? I don't want my kids to be exposed to this or be a part in it.

I guess I was pretty naive about schools until recently.

So let's relate this back to this blog, being a fat kid. The girls I see in schools daily, don't usually have many friends. Whenever they come up to take their photos, the boys behind them are just silent (which is an awful sign by the way) and those brave beautiful girls either give me a huge smile or are so sheepish and terrified they barely can look at the camera.

It's an easy thing to say once you are an adult, how stupid it is to make fun of anyone for being "different" or for things they cannot control, but when you are a kid, well that's another story. Being in middle & high school brings out the worst in people, and unfortunately as adults, we cannot do anything to really stop this. However, when you encounter those girls, or those boys whom are awkward, a little fat, nose a little big, tell them how awesome they are every chance you get and maybe, just maybe, it will make the difference in some small way.

A fat kids dream...

I had a dream last night. In it I found myself at a friends house.

I sneaked into the kitchen, looked in the cupboard and found a whole hoard of hostess chocolate cupcakes, twinkies, funfetti cupcakes with rainbow ship frosting (my favorite), and Kit Kats....

In the dream I actually found myself stuffing my pockets with the snacks, and planning to pretend I'd never seen them when my friend asked me....

That's this fat kids dream....to happen upon a cupboard full of naughty foods and eat them. Hoping no one will find out.

Oh the shame....