Accountable 2.0

Starting Weight: 313 lbs

Pant size: 24

Bra size: 44DDD

What makes me fat? I love cookies, cake, and ice cream. Simple as that. I also have LOW self control. I use the excuse that I've been doing good, so I should be able to reward myself.....well I reward myself a lot more often than I do good..... So, this week I'll be working on my self-control.

(Inpsirational Women Feature) - Adele.

So often we see women in the media whose bodies will never realistically be attainable for us, especially if we are fat kids, a lot of the times our bodies are simply built differently than Victoria's Secret models. Even if we have that capability, would you really want to give up eating anything delicious for the rest of your life? I thought we should include a section on women of real size in the media, to hopefully diffuse our own stereotypes of what we have been conditioned to think of as beautiful.

This is Adele. If you haven't seen her amazingly beautiful face, I am sure you have heard her voice all over the internet with her singles, "Chasing Pavements" "Hometown Glory" or even my personal favourite, a cover of Bob Dylan's "To Make You Feel My Love" all are equally heartbreakingly soulful. At only 21, with two Grammy's under her belt and a voice that will remind you a bit of Ella Fitzgerald with the soul no white girl should have, she is sure to be one of your new go-to listens.

The best part is, this sweetheart is a fat kid. And she's gorgeous! If I could raid anyone's closet, it would easily be Adele's. I love everything I see her wearing, from her false eyelashes to her booties, this girl knows how to work her figure.



Her new album entitled "21" is available in stores now, and already has a single on the top 40's.

I recently discovered this gem, her cover of "Natural Woman" and it is now on my workout playlist!

You're beautiful Adele, thanks for inspiring us!

Accountable.

Kathy and I have decided to set a goal for our birthdays (which are a week apart!) to lose 40lbs by the seventh of August for Kathy's birthday and when I come to South Dakota to visit her.

We are going to do a weekly weigh-in on Friday's and post it, because embarrassment always is beneficial in losing weight. Saturdays will be our cheat days (I may change it to just one day a week, working like crazy as I am right now may prevent me from just having Saturdays, but still only one day a week!)

I am officially buying a scale today, I haven't owned one in years.

Another way to be held accountable is to really deal with our problems as to why we are overweight. Every week I want to think of something that makes me so overweight, and with getting to the bottom of these things, I hope to help motivate myself and learn how to overcome everything.

So here are my starting stats:

Weight: 265lbs
Pant Size: 24 (I just went up! :[)
Chest: 44DDD

Now let's talk about what I am coming to terms with this week.

I have realized I am a procrastinator to the max, I think "I will deal with my weight later" or "I will eat better tomorrow" and these things are exactly what this disease is about. I have an addiction to food. I may not eat ten thousand calories a day, but I am addicted to eating good, fattening food. I debate getting a salad, but then I see pasta and I go for it. I start thinking about pasta and my mind goes blank, unfortunately salad does not have this same effect. This is an addiction, and it is not healthy. I literally have to change my entire way of thinking about food. I have to realize that nothing I eat that is bad for me will make me feel better, it's quite the opposite. No amount of pizza and ice cream will make me happier about myself. It will make me feel worse about myself when I have to go up a pant size.

It's time to get real.

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?

I am quite addicted to the weightloss reality television shows out there, and this quote was mentioned to a patient at a weightloss clinic. I know I have heard it before, but it never really sank in until now.

To be honest, no matter how good that cupcake tastes, it is not healthy for me to eat them all of the time. It's not going to make me feel better in the long run. Working out, eating healthy foods and taking care of myself is what will be the most beneficial for my mind and body.

Of course you need to indulge yourself from time to time and enjoy life, but really instant gratification never pays off in the long run and rarely is the most healthy thing to do.

Mike and I had a conversation the other night while watching one of these shows and he asked, "Why are you so afraid to try it Heather, how many of these shows do you have to watch?"

And I didn't have an answer. Part of it is denial. I look at those people and think, "Well I'm not that bad" and look at myself differently. Part of it is laziness. Part of it is being stubborn and not wanting to change my life. Part of it is giving a finger to society for what is declared "beautiful" and loving myself the way I am. And lastly, and probably mostly, I worry I may die tomorrow and I don't want to miss eating that cupcake when I could have had it. Which leads to a giant Catch 22 in my life. I love myself the way I am, but I have to come to terms with the fact that this will kill me if I don't get this under control. I am obese. I am unhealthy. I am slowly killing myself with food.

It makes me bitter too, because watching these shows I see men and women consuming thousands upon thousands of calories and I never eat like that! Of course I have my pig out days, but I never eat five hamburgers from Wendy's. I never consume an entire pizza. I don't eat healthy at all and I don't work out aside from my job, but really? I weigh the same as some of these people? It just doesn't seem fair. And I need to get off that kick. My body is the way it is and it is the weight it is, regardless of how fair it is and regardless of how other people get to eat whatever they want and never gain weight. Unfortunately I am not one of those lucky jerks.

So here it is, I am getting better. I am taking control of my health. I want to join a yoga class and I want to eat better. No more soda, no more fast food and I am going to start working out regularly. No more empty promises. Here we go.

"It takes courage to grow up & become who you really are." - e.e. cummings.

A new day

I took my sweet little girl to the park today. She loved it! She had so much fun! 

The only thing that bums me out is that when she wants to go down the big slides, and wants me to go with her, I don't. I would, but I have this fear of getting stuck.....

So, now we're back to me really pushing it again to lose weight. I'm back at the gym, back on my diet. And hoping like crazy that I can really stick to it.

I hate goals. But I feel like since I liberated myself from goals I have gone down hill. So, here's my goal.

I'm going to lose at least 40lbs before my birthday on August 7th. Current weight is still 310 lbs. So that will take me down to 270 lbs, which is what I weighed at my wedding, 5 years ago.

I plan to go to the gym at least 4 times a week. I am going to do an hour of cardio a day and half hour of weight training. I am going to work hard, and sweat a lot. I'm going to cut pop out completely again, and drink mostly water. I'm going to eat more fruits and vegetables. I'm going to eat foods that are higher in fiber. And I'm going to work my butt off, literally.

Sticking to my diet and finding the motivation to go to the gym are the hardest things for me. I would rather eat a giant bowl of ice cream, and sit on my butt reading a book. But I need to do this, I want to do this. And above all that, I know I CAN do this!

I have about 120 days to lose 40lbs. I can do it!! Who's going to set a goal with me?