A new day

I took my sweet little girl to the park today. She loved it! She had so much fun! 

The only thing that bums me out is that when she wants to go down the big slides, and wants me to go with her, I don't. I would, but I have this fear of getting stuck.....

So, now we're back to me really pushing it again to lose weight. I'm back at the gym, back on my diet. And hoping like crazy that I can really stick to it.

I hate goals. But I feel like since I liberated myself from goals I have gone down hill. So, here's my goal.

I'm going to lose at least 40lbs before my birthday on August 7th. Current weight is still 310 lbs. So that will take me down to 270 lbs, which is what I weighed at my wedding, 5 years ago.

I plan to go to the gym at least 4 times a week. I am going to do an hour of cardio a day and half hour of weight training. I am going to work hard, and sweat a lot. I'm going to cut pop out completely again, and drink mostly water. I'm going to eat more fruits and vegetables. I'm going to eat foods that are higher in fiber. And I'm going to work my butt off, literally.

Sticking to my diet and finding the motivation to go to the gym are the hardest things for me. I would rather eat a giant bowl of ice cream, and sit on my butt reading a book. But I need to do this, I want to do this. And above all that, I know I CAN do this!

I have about 120 days to lose 40lbs. I can do it!! Who's going to set a goal with me?

SEX!!!Y

Let's talk about feeling sexy.

Let's face it, fat is not sexy. And it's hard for big girls to feel sexy. You may have a man who loves you for you, he doesn't see your flaws, he sees your heart and soul and the wonderful woman he fell in love with. I know Heather and I are lucky enough to have men like that.

When we're constantly bombarded with Victoria Secret commercials filled with gorgeous models with perfect bodies it's hard to look at ourselves and think, "Hey, I'm sexy." Especially if you lack the self esteem to even look at yourself in a sexy way. 

Maybe you're like me and you own 3 or 4 pieces of sexy lingerie from various Valentines, anniversaries, and even your wedding night, but you're too shy/embarrassed to wear them. When I was skinnier I wore those for my husband, it made things feel less ordinary, like in a movie. But I've never seen any movies where the fat girl gets in skimpy lingerie....except Shallow Hal, and there's a real cinematic wonder.....

In order to feel more sexy you need to look at your positive qualities. Focus what you like about your body. Maybe you have nice legs, or you love the way your boobs look in a corset. If you find lingerie that accentuates the positive you'll instantly get a boost of self esteem. 

I feel sexiest when I actually do my make-up, shave my legs, and dress in something pretty. There are days that I don't even bother and those are the days that I feel the worst about myself.

How do YOU make yourself feel sexier? Or what keeps you from feeling sexy?

Jujubees on your Ooh Ooh Bees.

Really, I have simply been dying to use that Steven Tyler quote and couldn't resist it as a title, so please excuse it.

Let's talk about bewbs!

If you are like Kathy and I, you have huge ones. Which may be a wonderful thing to the men in our lives, but as far as our backs, our self confidence and our constant clumsiness of running into things with them, they can be a bit much.

Recently, I thought I would go the cheap route and just buy an $8.00 bra from Ross, when I found they surprisingly had my size. So. Stupid.

Dealing with this extra weight in our breasticles, it is essential that we have a good, decent bra. I recently got sized and discovered I had grown a cup size (while losing weight, really!?) and had been wearing the wrong size for who knows how long. I found an amazing deal online at LaneBryant.com for a $19.99 bra with free shipping to the store and I am in love. They also have a great buy one get one half off in stores right now if you would like to check it out.

Anyway, my confidence has gone out the roof with this simple change. Not only do I feel so much better, but I feel more womanly, more beautiful and more sexy.

Really this post is about the Steven Tyler quote and me feeling awesome about my boobs, but I just wanted to reiterate the importance (especially for us voluptuous vixens) of a good bra.

That is all.

Fat Girl Fashion.

I have been on the hunt for some new clothes as of lately. I am finally starting to accept my body the way it is, and if I never lose this weight, I will hopefully be okay with it. Don't get me wrong, I am still changing things all of the time to help lose weight and get healthier, but I am starting the long overdue process of loving myself. And it has been a process, because let's face it, when you are obese you mainly just want to throw on a sweatshirt, some baggy jeans and throw your hair up. No one wants to look at you anyway, right? WRONG! So I am trying to find different ways to look beautiful and feel confident NOW instead of when I lose the weight I want.

Regardless of your size darling, you are beautiful. No body is perfect and free of flaws, every single one of us is self conscious in our own right. Thanks media, thanks peer pressure, really appreciate it. We all need to realize that it is possible to be sexy, to look good and feel good about ourselves at ANY size.

I used to see girls in cute little outfits, I think I can't wear those outfits, feel bad about myself and then revert back to wanting to wear those baggy clothes. Through the help of some "fatshion" blogs online, I am realizing tons of new ways for us to look just as cute and sexy(!) in outfits that are similar, we just have to work a little harder at making our bodies look good.

One of these days, I will be confident enough to do an outfit post for you all, so you can get some more ideas and feel confident!

For example, I recently did a photoshoot with a good friend of mine who is just gorgeous and tiny. She wore short shorts with black tights underneath and a tank top. I was feeling bad about myself, because I thought I could never pull it off and then I found this photo last night.

Gorgeous! And almost the same exact outfit! I have not owned a pair of shorts in over four years, but now I am dedicated to finding a pair I can wear with some tights and look good.

Really, the key to looking good at any size is playing up your assets and downplaying your flaws. For example, I have some cellulicious thighs, therefore I have the option of wearing tights and BAM all of those flaws hidden! And I can still wear short things!



This are some other outfits. I love skirts, but am always terrified to wear them with anything other than baggy tops because of my arms, my legs, my hips, etc. I love how these girls worked it. I could easily mimick this with a skirt, tank top and cute cardigan (or open shirt) up top.

Belts are another one of my new best friends. High waisted belts are very in right now and make anyone's hips look great and hide all of those flaws.


Ah, the skinny jeans. I have wanted a pair of these for so long, or even some slim fitting pants, but I am always so terrified to even attempt to wear them. But with some thigh high boots, they instantly slim your legs and with a loose fitting long top, it looks great!

These are just a few ideas I a looking to incorporate into my wardrobe. Really there is nothing you cannot wear, you just have to learn to make clothes work for your body and work that confidence!

Some stores I have really found to be awesome:

Lane Bryant
We all have heard of this store, and it does tend to get expensive. However, they are the best for bras and have some great sales! I just picked up a pair of dress pants on sale for $6.99 that were originally $49.50! Really, it is all about the search with this store. They also provide free shipping to store locations, which is fantastic and I have utilized it already.

Torrid
Let's face it, I have been a punk rock kid from the get go. Kathy can tell you about my goth kid days in high school (but let's hope she doesn't) and this store let's me play up that factor of my personality while still having an adult look and feel.

DEB
This store I have not really experienced so much, but I often see some great prices and sales whenever I do go in and I find them located everywhere.

Rue 21
I am in love with this store, I just discovered it a few weeks ago and love all of the accessories and their plus size clothes are a great price!

Old Navy Plus
I can still get lucky sometimes and fit into the tops and bottoms in the XXL size, unfortunately they no longer sell their plus size clothing in stores. Check out their website, they have some great basic pieces at pretty good prices!

Target
Really their in store plus size selection is kind of pathetic, but online their selection is pretty decent. Again a great place to look for basics!

Maurices
My favourite! Unfortunately you cannot order online, but luckily these stores are everywhere and their jeans are my absolute favourite! I lack in the derriere department but have huge hips and these jeans even look great on me and for only $30.00, you can't beat it. They also have some cute tops and accessories, the quality is great as well and I have never had any problems with this store.

Ruche
This is an online based store that I really love to drool over. I have yet to order anything from their site because of the hefty price tag, but if nothing else, check them out for inspiration! They have some great plus size designs!

If you have any more suggestions, feel free to let us know! I will also definitely start posting more fat girl fashion inspiration for you all!

A fat girls mirror....

Raise your hand if you have low self esteem!

When I was in middle school and high school I thought I was huge. I wore baggy sweatshirts every day because I didn't want anyone to see how fat I was. I used to look in the mirror and think that if I looked like my skinny friends I would be so much happier.

What I didn't realize then is that self esteem isn't just an issue for girls who think they're fat. Even girls who we look at and think "My God she's gorgeous, and her body is perfect! No wonder guys like her!" probably have self esteem issues. Girls are bombarded with pictures and movies and tv shows that are filled with actresses that represent the ideal body type. While I applaud some shows for having a character here and there that is or was overweight at some point and therefore understands the struggles of accepting and loving yourself as you are, those shows are unfortunately few and far between.

Girls and women look at their 'role models' and inevitably find something in themselves that they deem "not good enough". We look at our favorite actresses and imagine what it would be like if only we were as perfect as them, if only our hair was cut like theirs, if only our skin was as flawless as theirs, if only we had that beautiful tan, if only we could wear that super low cut dress to the Oscars.

Well, the reality is, we can. You are hard pressed to find a woman who doesn't have some sort of self esteem or body image issues. Whether you have a perfect body, beautiful hair, and a pretty face, but can't stand the shape/size of your nose. Or you look in the mirror and think, "I'm beautiful, but I wish I wasn't so fat.". We've all been there. Many of us find ourselves there everyday.

Like I said, I used to look at myself and think I was huge. Now I look back and think, wow, in middle school I was a size 12/13 in juniors. In high school I was a size 15/16 in juniors. Now? I'm a size 22/24 in womens plus. The only comfort I find in that is that this is not the biggest I've been. And I'm hoping that with as far as I've come, I won't ever be this big again. 

But it's important to recognize that you're doing something for the right reasons. I am NOT trying to lose weight because I want to look like a picture in a magazine. I am NOT trying to lose weight because I don't like myself.

I want to lose weight because when I look at my little girl and think about the woman she'll become, I don't want her to have to go through the same struggles as I did. I want her to know that she can and should take care of her body. How can I teach her all these things if I don't do them myself? I want to lose weight because I think about how fun it is to take my daughter to the pool, or chase her in the park, or take her to an amusement park.

I want to lose weight because I want to feel sexy for my husband. I know he loves me just the way I am, but I want to feel comfortable enough to wear that sexy lingerie. I want to be healthy enough that we could live a long and happy life together.

But most of all, I want to lose weight because I know that it will make me a better me. I love myself. I think I'm fun, beautiful, and intelligent. I think I can do anything I put my mind to. I love my family, I love my friends, I love my life. When I look in the mirror now, I see a beautiful, confident woman who deserves the best.

I'm not going to pretend that I don't have self esteem issues, or that I don't want to change anything about myself, because that would be a lie. And I am who I am, if people don't like it, oh well. I just want people to feel inspired to embrace themselves for who they are and only make changes for the right reasons. If you try to change for anyone but you, it won't work.

The cycle....

I went to the gym today! By myself! I put Piper in the child care and headed right up to the track. I walked a mile in 25 minutes, and then went and did some weight training. I feel good about myself!

I'm getting back on track and giving myself a goal. I remember how good it felt to lose that first 25lbs, I remember looking in the mirror thinking, "Wow, I'm looking good." Well, I haven't gained anything back, but now I look in the mirror and think, "I've got a long way to go.". And it's so true. I don't want to give up, I want to lose more! So, I'm going to put a loose goal on myself since it's not looking like I'll make the goal of getting under 300lbs before my trip to Missouri. I haven't lost anything in a long time, so I know I need to get back on track for the gym and start eating better again.

Why does weight loss have to be so hard? Why does it have to be so hard to eat less, and eat better? After reading Heathers post it has me thinking about how ridiculously expensive it is to be healthy. Society complains that Americans are fatties, they find so many ways to make us feel like complete crap for not being the size of a super model. BUT They make it next to impossible for the average person to make a serious change and get healthy. Gym memberships can be very expensive and aren't always feasible for people. Fresh produce always seems to be more expensive than a box of Twinkies. It seems like in order to make healthy lifestyle choices you need to have money. The average American family cannot afford to make those choices because they just don't have the income. It's ridiculous.

Work-a-holic fat kids.

I recently joined the website sparkpeople to start tracking my calorie intake and exercise (or lack thereof) and it has been really beneficial. I recommend everyone who wants to know the root cause of their weight to go ahead and join. So onto my problem, apparently I will barely eat one day (i.e. 700 calories-ish) and then gorge myself the next day (i.e. 2,500 calories).

Mainly this kind of activity revolves around my work. I leave for work in the wee hours of the morning most days and I have a very rough time eating breakfast. I have discovered Fiber One caramel bars and they have helped tremendously, giving me just enough fuel to last through the day's shoot. I feel like I need the caffeine in the morning, so I hate to admit I am still drinking soda (mostly diet though!) and by the time the shoot is over I am so hungry and usually have a long drive home, where I of course turn to fast food. Fast food obviously screws you in the health department, because sure, you can get a salad, but you will pay $6 for it and it will be completely subpar. I would rather get a $2.99 combo and have a sandwich than an overpriced crappy salad.
I don't have the option really to stay after the shoot to use the teacher's lounge and heat up some food I bring, normally because I just want to get out of there and go home. Then when I get home, I am usually too tired to make an effort at cooking and I feel bad asking Mike to take on the responsibility every single day.

I also am going to be adding more time during the week to my work schedule by helping work at my Mike's dad's new restaurant, so I really will not have time to run home and make something decent. And I don't have the money to go out to a nice restaurant every day to get something healthy.

I have really been researching to find some no fuss foods that I can take with me, to avoid the dreaded fast food world and mostly it has been a trial and error process.

• Fresh produce has been a lifesaver. I have been trying to incorporate more fruits and veggies throughout my day. Carrots, cucumbers, zucchini, celery & apples have been my different lunch combination and have been working well to keep me energized enough until dinner.
  
• I am going to buy a blender soon and am going to start trying to make some smoothies the night before work and then will have a great breakfast to make it through the day.
  
• I get really sick of sandwiches, but they are a great "no fuss" food to bring along with you. Take a long soups are also great on the run and only require a quick microwaving and bam, food.
  
• And dinner is all about making it a head of time. When I cook, I want to start cooking in bulk. I have to get over my leftover phobia and start thinking about my health more. It's so easy just to go to the store and pick up fried chicken or go to Cici's, but it isn't the best for my health.

This is such a frustrating subject and I am struggling with staying on track.