I know....

So, I've been really down lately.

I have been looking for a job, and I'm not having any luck. Everything I apply for is either already filled when I turn in my application, or I'm over-qualified, or I don't have enough experience. I am so frustrated and feeling really unmotivated. I find myself snacking a lot more again, and not going to the gym like I want to/should. 

I feel like such a failure.

Every human being is unique, for better or worse.

“Everyone is born, but not everyone is born the same. Some will grow to be butchers, or bakers, or candlestick makers. Some will only be really good at making Jell-O salad. One way or another, though, every human being is unique, for better or for worse.” - Matilda

I was watching the show Ruby on TLC and her therapist was talking about how people whom are uncomfortable with their bodies tend to hide behind a mask of sweetness and humor. I didn't realize this until watching, but I have done that exactly. I have sugarcoated myself to the point where I am so afraid of saying anything negative or even anything not pleasant when meeting people. I call people "dear" and "honey" and never say things negatively to them. I am always pleasant, happy and perfectly content. I hardly ever disagree with anyone, if you like something, well then I do too. Everything is fine, fine, fine in my life.

Well, really it's not. I have dealt with a lot of bad things in my life and I need to start letting others in, and not just hiding behind that sweetness. I need to stop worrying what others think of me, worrying if they will call me fat or won't like me. I shouldn't care, and I didn't before I gained this weight, but now I really need to take a step back. I am scared to death to meet new people, because of my weight. It's stupid, right? It shouldn't matter. I can't help but want everyone to like me so I don't have to worry about being called fat. I have developed a complex in my twenties which is of grade school mentality. Which I never had until now, I might add.

So, I am officially done with sugarcoating, blending myself in everything so as not to break apart from everyone. I am done being on everyone's side. I am now on my own side. I will always live with my heart on my sleeve, but I no longer will hide behind a mask of sweetness. I am going to try to accept myself, and let me be myself.

I guess it all started with my marriage. At 19 I was thrown into a situation where I had to grow up so fast and be an instant adult. Suddenly I had a house, a husband, a life I was never sure I wanted and I remember crying on my living room floor one night because I didn't know if it was okay to hang up my New Found Glory posters on the wall anymore. So I tried to lose myself, I tried to assimilate myself into that perfect "military wife" persona, where my personal choices went out the window. I just wanted to fit in and find friends. I was never cut out for that life.

Cut to a year later and I was so unhappy with my marriage, I didn't even care anymore. I was so angry, so sad, I turned to food. I turned to food because I felt as if it was the only thing in the world which loved and accepted me the way I am. I gave food a persona it never deserved.

Enter a divorce, a horrible relationship and a thyroid problem and bam, I am 100lbs overweight. I moved to Georgia to try and be with my ex husband just one more time and things did not change. I didn't fit in with his friends, I wasn't confident at all, he didn't help things and then he broke up with me on Valentine's Day last year.

I was devastated, lost, broken, dead inside. I reached out for help and changed my life. I got my mental health under control and started to find my happiness again. That was exactly one year ago.

I have been doing quite well with everything, except for accepting myself and loving me for who I am. I am going to work on letting myself be who I am, without consequences. Wearing what I want, gauging my ears out again, and generally allowing myself the freedom I have deserved for the past five years. I am done being afraid. I am done saying no to parties and going out. I need to make more friends and stop being so afraid. I need to stop sugarcoating and hiding. I am ready to branch out and take myself for who I am.

I am ready to love myself, for the first time in years.

One thing a month.

I was recently watching Ruby on TLC, which is about a woman trying to lose weight and get in shape after weighing over 700lbs. She is a great inspiration and I love how real the show is.

Anyway, her therapist told her to change five things in her life, and once she had successfully done so, she would move onto another five and I loved the concept. I am going to switch things up a bit though and challenge everyone to change one thing every month.

This month, I am going to give up soda, except for in the mornings, that's probably next month. I am going to be drinking green tea and water instead. I have to have something sweet and green tea is a great alternative.

What will you do this month?

Kicking it up a notch!

Next week I am going to go the gym every morning, and do cardio. EXCEPT on Friday, I'm going to work on weights. I've decided it's time to stop being lazy and get my butt back to the gym on a regular basis!

I really need to push it too! I've been walking with one of my best friends, Madee. It's a plus getting the exercise, but I definitely need to get myself back into a schedule of really working it.

I still have to lose that 10lbs to get under 300lbs before going to Missouri mid-April. I know I can do it! 10lbs in about a month will be easy if I really focus on the cardio and burn off the calories. 

I'm getting over my sinus infection, so I'll hopefully have no reason to keep me from the gym this week! 

Anybody want to do it with me? I'm probably going to be alone since my gym-buddy likes to go to the classes and I'm not that into those, except Pilates.

So, here's my challenge to everyone, do an hour of cardio 4 days this week! You'll feel so good I promise! The hard work is way worth it!!!

Bullying.

I wanted to talk about something very serious going on in our schools today. I work in all levels of schools daily, all over the state and I have seen a growing trend of isolation among kids that are "different" and don't fit in. It is never anything outright or obvious when these kids are in front of adults, but when I take a look away from my camera I see these kids, broken and scared, terrified of what the next comment will be. And when they get in front of the camera, most of them are still those shy, scared to death kids. Especially the girls, the "different" ones (god forbid they break the mold) look at me with those wide eyes and it breaks my heart. I make sure to tell every one of those girls they are beautiful, and in my own small way, I hope it somehow helps them.

In high school, (and elementary/middle for me, Kathy moved to our school freshman year) I can't even think of more than two fights that happened in our school. We weren't the most popular kids at all, but we were never made fun of and I can't think of any kids that were directly made fun of, or tormented I should say. Is the midwest that different from other places in this country, or were we just very lucky?

I was speaking with a friend the other night about bullying and he told me how much he got picked on throughout his entire school career. It broke my heart to think about this. Let's just say he was "different" because of his body type and because of this he was tormented, teased and beat up until he joined sports, bulked up and could defend himself. Only then was he accepted, you know, after he stopped becoming a punching bag for those other idiot kids.

He grew up in the South, and because of this I am gunshy of raising my kids here. In the South, with rednecks who think anyone who isn't a jock, or hunts or speaks with a drawl is "different" and I see that in schools today. Is every school like that here? Or are there some gems which will be okay? I don't want my kids to be exposed to this or be a part in it.

I guess I was pretty naive about schools until recently.

So let's relate this back to this blog, being a fat kid. The girls I see in schools daily, don't usually have many friends. Whenever they come up to take their photos, the boys behind them are just silent (which is an awful sign by the way) and those brave beautiful girls either give me a huge smile or are so sheepish and terrified they barely can look at the camera.

It's an easy thing to say once you are an adult, how stupid it is to make fun of anyone for being "different" or for things they cannot control, but when you are a kid, well that's another story. Being in middle & high school brings out the worst in people, and unfortunately as adults, we cannot do anything to really stop this. However, when you encounter those girls, or those boys whom are awkward, a little fat, nose a little big, tell them how awesome they are every chance you get and maybe, just maybe, it will make the difference in some small way.

A fat kids dream...

I had a dream last night. In it I found myself at a friends house.

I sneaked into the kitchen, looked in the cupboard and found a whole hoard of hostess chocolate cupcakes, twinkies, funfetti cupcakes with rainbow ship frosting (my favorite), and Kit Kats....

In the dream I actually found myself stuffing my pockets with the snacks, and planning to pretend I'd never seen them when my friend asked me....

That's this fat kids dream....to happen upon a cupboard full of naughty foods and eat them. Hoping no one will find out.

Oh the shame....